A wedding can bring out the “mama” in any bride.  If she’s a daddy’s girl, it’s bound to happen!  Keep reading for how to monitor yourself so that you don’t give him cold feet about marrying you!

A mysterious phenomenon happens once you become engaged and begin planning the wedding.  Like never before in your relationship, you are now in the position of having expectations of your man that seem inconsequential to him but are of the utmost importance to you.  As it turns out, the wedding is a rite of passage for more reasons than just the obvious – becoming husband and wife in a society where that gives you a certain status.  Honestly, once you begin planning that wedding, you begin relating to each other in ways that will give you a big clue as to the nature of your upcoming marital happiness and contentment, or lack thereof.

For instance, if he is a procrastinator and you are not, the rhythm of your lives could really clash now.  You need him to be punctual and to care about types of details he may have never given any consideration to before.  If his style is that he’ll get to it when he gets to it and it always gets done whenever he gets to it and your style is punctual, thoughtful, and results oriented; these styles not only clash, they are a set up for hurt feelings, frustration, and condescension with you treating him like a little boy who is testing your patience and him treating you like a mother figure he deeply resents.

The reverse is also a conundrum.  If you are the procrastinator and he is efficient and results oriented, the mama’s boy/daddy’s girl dynamics can then look like you reacting to him as if he is the father figure keeping after you to stay on top of things with you feeling like a little girl having your power tested.

And, of course, there are the endless details that require your coordinated efforts: the invitations, guest list, seating arrangements, thank you notes, flowers, candles, vows, food and drinks served, design for the napkins, bridesmaids dresses and gifts for them, groomsmen’s tuxes and gifts for them, where to place the tables that will receive gifts, keeping various family members happy, etc.  Every decision can become an opportunity for the mama’s boy in him and the daddy’s girl in you to fall into a power struggle with your frustration, no matter how understandable, making him feel diminished in his woman’s eyes.

Whenever he doesn’t do, say, or be what you want him to do, say or be will be opportunities for looks and words exchanged between you that communicate diminishment of him and resentment towards you.  However, just as this period is a test run for the negative patterns you could fall into in your marriage; it is also a rich opportunity to practice mastery of the mama’s boy/daddy’s girl energies that can sabotage your love and happiness.

Here are some practical tips for taking advantage of this opportunity:

Whenever you feel yourself about to or actually rolling your eyes, murmuring your displeasure, scolding him, losing patience with him, seething in resentment towards him or any of his loved ones, or any number of other negative feedback and feelings, catch yourself and stop.  Tell him you don’t want to act this way and that you need to catch your breath.  Then take some time to become fully present in the moment.

One of the reasons to have such negative reactions towards him is that your attention is off in the future anticipating problems that will arise if the present conflict isn’t resolved the way you want it resolved.  So, as you bring yourself fully into the present moment, you’ll breath more deeply, your heart will stop racing, and your blood pressure will lower.  Now you have the opportunity to make this moment about communicating clearly, with love and using “I” statements rather than about avoiding an imagined catastrophe.

Use this learning period to grow as a couple.  If one of you is dragging his or her feet to the altar, so to speak, talk about it.  It can be done in ways that are relatively unthreatening! 

For instance, “Wow, honey, I never realized that great big decisions make me feel very insecure.  The way I feel about getting married reminds me of how I felt preparing to go to nursing school: really, really frightened!  But I faced those fears and got the degree and career I love so I’m trusting that this will be the same!”  That statement is all about taking ownership and responsibility for your feelings rather than dumping on your partner to get him to make it better.  It makes all the difference when it comes to spouses communicating well!

Limit the number of people you complain to about the tension between you and your husband-to-be.  Ideally, have one good, trusted friend with whom you can share because you know that she knows whatever “state” you are in during any given moment, the real you wants what is best for your beloved and so she can deal with any rants you may need to make without judging either of you, thereby avoiding doing irreparable damage to any of those relationships (you with your fiancé, you with your friend, your friend’s friendship with your fiancé).

Don’t hesitate to buy a relationship or marriage self-help book that seems to speak your language.  The almost married state that comes with being engaged and planning a wedding is a good time to learn to take whatever’s going on between you as a couple seriously.  Many such books have nuggets of advice you’ll use for a lifetime.  Rather than judge you for needing help so soon, consider yourself wise and blessed for being so forward thinking.

My mother recently gave me her copy of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Essays and Journals.  I really look forward to diving in to this collection of that master thinker!  But before I do, I have to pause and share with you something the “International Collector’s Library” included in the volume.  If you are a blogger or read them, this is fascinating.

They quote Edward Wagenknecht, American literary teacher, critic, and 19th Century author expert, who explains the appeal of essays like this, “The essay is closer to good talk than any other kind of writing.  The writer takes his ease at his inn, and the reader is at ease with him.  He chooses a theme because it interests him, and simply because he feels no obligation to achieve a complete or comprehensive or definitive coverage of it, he is relaxed as no other writer is relaxed.”

Wagenknecht’s description of essays, a popular form of writing in the 19th Century, sounds so very much like blogging.  Blogs share opinions mixed with personal stories and observations as if the blogger is having a conversation with someone else about the things that matter most to him or her in the very moment in which he or she is writing.  Certainly, not all blogs can be lifted to the high state of the Essay.   Perhaps this perspective reminds us why the best blogs keep us coming back for more.

There is a scene in Phantom of the Opera when Minnie Driver’s character is completely frustrated with all the shenanigans and life and limb threatening hijinks the Opera Ghost performs.  She’s had enough and she’s about to walk out on the current production.  In her frustration she spits out sounds instead of words, “Ummph, nyet!  Aaauugghhh! Psshhtt!”  That’s how I feel in regards to all the advice on the Internet about how to take advantage of the Internet to promote, sell, and further your products and services on the Internet! 

Because someone who was successful in the book publishing world long before the Internet came along recently said that the best times to Tweet at Twitter are 8 a.m. Eastern, 1 p.m. Eastern, and 8 p.m. Eastern; I find myself every morning at 8 a.m. struggling to find just the right words to type on our business pages at Facebook (that are connected to Twitter) so that the perfect combination of gift and promotion in a micro-post will appear at the perfect time to drive attention to us and our products available on the web. 

The drive to follow all the latest advice on how to take advantage of the web feels like a hollowing out of some essential part of myself.  It feels empty and shallow and I hate it.

Last night in the shower, where I do a lot of thinking, I thought about how one of my favorite direct response copywriting gurus has written an e-book, likely priced at $29.95, on how to take advantage of the social media sites.  Then it occured to me that I follow him on Twitter and I never see his posts.  In point of fact, I just went to his Twitter page where his last post was over two years ago.  Yet he sells an e-book giving advice on how to use Twitter and the other social media sites so that YOU can MAKE MONEY!

Like so many others (I know I’m not alone), I have bought into the hype that hype is what’s needed to sell products and services on the web.  With more competition out there than can be imagined, everyone is scrambling to take advantage of Google’s algorhythms, search engine optimization, e-newsletters and other tricks of the trade while either sacrificing quality content or working extra hard to make sure quality content is also available at their sites.

“Tricks of the trade” – see, being in business on the web is as much about or more about mastering the web as it is producing quality products and services that make a difference for people.  And it’s no wonder that what must be the highest ranking web businesses out there are those that promise to help you make money on the web.

I realize this is a rant and I also realize that it’s stupid to consider being in business these days without having a presence on the web.  And I even get it that to be smart about how to use the web can only serve me. 

But I am sick and tired of this hollowing out I feel inside around when and how to take advantage of the Internet.  That feeling of being hollowed out by this drive is greed.  And I hate that.  I have products that can make a real difference in people’s lives.  I want to be about the joy of that.  I’m tired of being driven by greed to master how to sell via the web.

Goodness!  Even as I prepare to wrap up this post, WordPress offers me a Custom Title Tag, Meta Description, Meta Keywords, Robots Meta Tags, and more to drive this very post closer to the front of the search line in the hopes that more people will see it and I will thereby benefit.

The topic of aging gracefully was introduced to me when I was a fresh faced child whose first crow’s feet wrinkle was years and years away.  When my mother spoke to me about the value of aging gracefully, she used that conspiratorial tone that told me we were women talking about the subject of women and so I needed to pay attention.  I always listened with rapt attention, even taking mental notes, whenever she used that tone.

On my mother’s side of the family, in regards to the women who preceded me; I not only had a grandmother, I had three wonderful great aunts, a first cousin-once-removed who was my grandmother’s age, and another first cousin-once-removed who fell somewhere between my mother and my grandmother in age. 

It was a matriarchal family on that side and they all handled aging differently.  Two of them sort of let themselves go a little bit.  Four of them did not, which means they always dressed smartly, wore flattering make up and hair styles, and were generally happy.  One deeply resented getting older.  She was the reason my mother pointed out to me the difference between aging gracefully and…not.  An older sister aged the most gracefully – in fact, she embodied aging gracefully.  She personified grace, beauty, inner peace and radiance.  Her childhood nickname had stuck to her for her entire life for a reason, christened Cora Ruth; we called her Dear because she was so very dear.

My mother couldn’t help but compare the sisters, particularly Dear and the youngest sister and determine that a happy life depended in part on aging gracefully.  Being more intimately attuned to these women than I was, she also knew that it all came down to attitude.  Dear embraced life and understood that aging was the privilege of those who did not die in their youth.  Every day of her life was a gift to be used for the joy of others and her own joy.  Her smile, laughter, warmth, and compassion were infectious!  The twinkle in her eyes belied the fine lines also found there. 

My mother and I share the same Scots-Irish complexion as her mother, aunts, and cousin.  Thinking we can avoid wrinkles altogether is a waste of energy and if we let their arrival make us feel resentful, we’re making a choice for immaturity over emotional and spiritual growth.  These days, when Hollywood and fashion magazines give advice to begin getting “work” done as early as a woman’s thirties, it means the face that has had the benefit of plastic surgery simply looks like a different kind of aging from the face that ages naturally.

To age gracefully is a choice.  Depending on one’s personality, it might be hard or easy to make; but it is a choice.  When we choose it, it becomes a gift.  I’m grateful to my mother and Dear for showing me the way.

"A man who has been the indisputable favorite of his mother keeps for life the feeling of conqueror." ~ Sigmund Freud

Someone tweeted that quote yesterday and, as co-author of the only book on the market about the romantic challenges facing adult mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, it caught my attention. Taken out of context, I don’t know where Sigmund was headed with those words. I don’t know what came before or after. But it inspires me to post a few words in response.

“A man who has been the indisputable favorite of his mother keeps for life the feeling of conqueror” brings to mind a man puffed up with pride, believing the world belongs to him, feeling entitled to the admiration of his peers, the women and children in his life, with or without having to earn it. If he “keeps for life the feeling of conqueror” then the first person he believes he conquered was his mother. It’s a direct reference to the fact that mama’s boys grow up believing they are superior to their mothers and it does affect them for the rest of their lives.

As a society, we have a variety of images of mama’s boys when they are little. Sometimes we think of them as clinging little fellas who haven’t learned to feel safe in the world separate from their mothers. Depending on their age, it can inspire either sympathy or concern. Other times we think of them as solicitous of their mothers. Eager to please, they are like the moon orbiting her, trying to keep mom happy and content.

Another image of a young mama’s boy is brought to mind by Freud’s quote. That is the little boy invited to be “the little man” for his mother. For this boy, dad has disappeared, leaving the son to attempt to take his place. Dad may have died or not be available because of separation or divorce. Dad might be so busy working and providing for the family that he becomes emotionally unavailable to his wife and children. Whatever the circumstances, a void has been created such that the son misses the opportunity to enter his dad’s sphere of influence as a young teenager. Instead, he remains in the sphere of influence of his mother where he attempts to stand in the place of his dad.

In such families, a void has been left that the young man tries to fill. While it seems admirable and is surely a response of love from the boy, it sets him up to believe he is his mother’s equal, even her superior, and this can negatively affect his relationship with women for the rest of his life.

Believing he is his mother’s equal or superior, a son finds himself in a precarious position. Deep down inside he knows he isn’t “man enough” to fill his father’s shoes. It doesn’t matter how appreciative his mother is of his attempts to do so. It doesn’t matter if she compliments his efforts and seems to genuinely depend on him, he cannot take his father’s place. He has neither the maturity nor the biological distance to be able to accomplish this impossible task. His attempts to take his father’s place, his mother’s agreement to let him, and society’s seeming approval set him up to feel deep insecurity and inadequacy in his relationship to women.

The result, for instance, is a grown married man who either pushes against his wife by bullying her into submission or pulls on her because he cannot make a decision without her approval. Both extremes (and there are multiple variations between these two) are the result of a man struggling with a deep, abiding sense of inadequacy birthed in him when he first tried to fill his father’s shoes.

If he’d had the chance to enter his father’s sphere of influence as a preteen and teenager, he would have learned how to be a man before learning how to take on and love a woman. He would have had a deep and abiding sense of his masculinity, his connection to his father and his father’s ancestors, and he would have come to marriage secure in all of that.

Before I level the playing field with a similar phenomenon for daddy’s girls, let me share the very good news that it is never too late for a man to enter the sphere of influence of his father. Exploring that is too much for this article and would result in rewriting the book that already carries that information! But when a man who has been trapped in the role of mama’s boy chooses to enter his father’s sphere of influence, he discovers inner resources that can make his life with the women and children in his life more satisfying for himself and them.

And yes, you may have guessed it already, daddy’s girls feel superior to the men in their lives. Whether they are daddy’s girls because they tried to take mama’s place with him or whether they tried to take dad’s place with mom; just like their mama’s boy counterparts, these young girls attempt to fill a role they are not capable of filling. It creates a sense of superiority that can negatively affect their relationships with men for the rest of their lives.

Daddy’s girls miss the opportunity to re-enter their mother’s sphere of influence as teenagers. Without the invitation to come into her sphere of influence and that of the maternal ancestors, daughters miss the chance to learn how to find fulfillment in themselves. Instead, they are taught to find fulfillment by taking care of the men and children in their lives, which is an impossible task. Feeling as though her husband depends on her to be able to make his way in the world, an adult daddy’s girl believes she is superior to him and that is a lonely place for a woman to live.

But, again, the good news is that it is never too late for a woman to re-enter the sphere of influence of her mother and her mother’s ancestors. It takes imagination and commitment; but it can happen and when it does a woman discovers internal resources available to her than can turn her life around.

I don’t think that keeping “for life the feeling of conqueror” is a healthy or satisfying position for either a man or a woman when it comes at the expense of his being grounded in his masculinity and potency and at the expense of her finding fulfillment and power inside herself, states of being that create the chance for romantic/married love to be enormously fulfilling.

So rather than rewrite the book that points the way to freedom for mama’s boys and daddy’s girls – freedom to express their love in healthy, satisfying, and even joyous ways – I’ll point you to the book itself at http://www.GettingBacktoLove.com ~

This past winter I fell in love with Alexandrina Victoria.  You might know her as Queen Victoria of the House of Hanover, the longest reigning monarch in the history of the United Kingdom to date and the longest reigning female monarch in history.  Now that is a powerful woman.

I fell in love with her because I saw the movie, “The Young Victoria.”  I got to see it in the theater and now I own the DVD.  Within that little gem is a bit of advice for how to love a powerful woman.  Based on the early years of Queen Victoria’s reign (the Victoria for whom “Victoria’s Secret” is named), we watch the young beauty fall in love with her handsome Prince Albert – a man who would never be called king – and watch them navigate how to love and be loved in these roles that demand she be his superior in every way.

Prince Albert was no puppet.  He masterfully and with great masculine expression, made a place for himself in the palace, in Britain, among the world’s leaders, and in his wife’s heart.

It may seem this blog entry was written just for men since it is about how to love a powerful woman.  However, as you’ll quickly see below, women share the responsibility for being well loved!  Here is the advice I gleaned from the movie:

Women, respect your men.  In this 21^st Century, it’s easy to not appreciate what it costs a man to be in a relationship with a powerful, successful woman.  Regardless of how the world measures your and his accomplishments, he is worthy of your respect because he loves you – even adores you.  Respect him.

Have a sincere interest in his work and interests.  Nothing says, “I love and respect you” quite like having a genuine curiosity in the interests of another.  It makes him feel seen and heard.

Along these lines, we have the opinion of a powerful 21^st Century woman who is happily wed.  As Mo’Nique made the interview rounds in regards to her 2010 Oscar win, she made this provocative statement, “I don’t think that anyone should be in control of a relationship.  I think that if you have a woman that controls her man, he is a puppet and he is weak.”  But ladies, the attempt to control him begins with you.  If you don’t want to be a tyrant in your relationship, if you want it to feed and nurture you, then respect him.

Now advice for the men: gentlemen, have your own work and interests.  There are hundreds of ways to love and support her.  While you may be content to be the moon that orbits around her as sun, most of you will thrive best if you have your own work and interests.

Know your place in her life.  Depending on just how successful she is she may have a posse or entourage of folks who take care of her.  Those kinds of relationships can get sticky – a little dysfunctional with various people longing to have a place in her heart that usurps all others.  Don’t allow it.  You don’t have to go to war with anyone who would like to position themselves between the pair of you.  You simply have to know that you are her husband (or lover) and that no one can take your place.  Taking that stand, you simply won’t engage with those who would like to be superior to you in her heart.

Protect her and provide a safe space from the slings and arrows of life.  Because of a woman’s natural ability to multi-task and see a big picture, she can take on entirely too much, attempting to make too many people happy, feeling like the Great Mother to people who both have their own mothers and are perfectly capable adults themselves!  Your ability to focus can help her make time for herself and for the both of you to have time to rest and relax and to feel safe and secure.

Finally, work together for both of you to accomplish your goals.  Rather than treat the stuff of her life as more important than yours, view your separate and mutual interests as equally valid and do whatever it takes for both of you to win in your careers.

At one point in the movie, Victoria and Albert are drenched from running in the rain, undressing each other back in their private quarters.  She clings to him, looks him in the eyes and says, “We will take care of each other, won’t we.”  More of a statement than a question, it’s a delicious moment between lovers who are equals in their hearts and souls, unencumbered by the demands of the gifts of their lives that put them in the roles of Queen and Prince.

If you love a powerful woman or if you are a powerful woman in love with a man who loves you, the two of you have been gifted with a rare opportunity to contribute to this world and to love each other in a unique and abiding way.  Know that you are not alone on this journey; other couples have and do traverse it well.  Remember to have fun!  And if you want a true story that will support you, rent or purchase “The Young Victoria.”  It’s just scrumptious!

I’m procrastinating getting some items on Ebay by writing this blog entry.  We’ve been spring cleaning around here and one of my options for lessening the amount of stuff around the house is to sell it on Ebay.  The selling part can be fun but loading up all the information on the site is tedious.  So, a friend at twitter got me to thinking about spring cleaning a relationship and what that might entail…and might such a blog entry have real substance to it?  I think so.  So here goes.

For the sake of comparison, what happens when a person spring cleans?  Hidden dust and cobwebs get cleaned out.  Floors get cleaned underneath the furniture as well as around it!  Furniture gets moved, removed, or added.  Clothes that haven’t been worn in awhile are given away.  Windows are washed.  The yard is cleared of winter debris and prepared for planting new flowers and bushes and trees.  Driveways and sidewalks are swept clean.  In the “old days” some families even had seasonal curtains and bed spreads – pretty much making the whole house over spring, summer, fall, and winter!

That’s a lot of responsibility to take.  It’s a responsibility that not all households have the time or energy for.  We don’t blame other people for the fact that spring cleaning needs to happen.  We may resent the necessity for it but once we make up our minds to do it, we just jump in and get it done.  

I think the same thing is true of relationships.  They can get sort of grimy with things like taking each other for granted, forgetting to appreciate the mystery of each other, allowing others to disrespect our spouse or partner, not putting the time in to the relationship to nurture it, etc.  The best way to clean those things up is to refrain from blaming anyone for the need of it, getting over any resentment that the relationship needs tending, then jumping in and getting it done!

So how do you spring clean your relationship?  Look around and determine ways you can show how much you value the relationship – how much you value your spouse (or partner, or best friend, or boss, or child).  Slow down, pay attention, and rediscover the mystery in the other person.  The next time someone outside the relationship disrespects it or either of you, get in their face and make them stop it!  Look for areas that are crying out for nurture and use your creative imagination to figure out the best kind of nurture to provide…and then provide it!

Spring cleaning your relationship can renew its vitality, returning it to one of the number one things in your life that sustain and nurture you.

I love it when watching a movie gives me relationship advice!  Recently, I exercised to the first half hour of the movie “300,” starring Gerard Butler and Lena Headey.  As I wrapped up my exercise, I realized Lena’s character, Queen Gorgo, had provided me with an example of feminine strength and beauty in her relationship with her husband, King Leonidas.  It was a profound bit of relationship help that I wanted to share with you (because by sharing it with you, it sinks deeper into me!).

If you haven’t seen the movie or don’t remember World History details from sophomore year, it deals with a time in history when various Greek city-states faced obliteration by the Persians.  Sparta was one such city.  Her king, Leonidas, chose to sacrifice himself and his 300 armed “body guards” to stave off the Persians at the passage of Thermopylae, the only way to access Greece; rather than watch Sparta burn to the ground.  It was a heroic stand that might have persuaded the Persians had not a treacherous Greek citizen showed them a hidden goat path that led the Persians into Greece behind the Spartans.

The first half hour of “300″ sets the viewer up to understand the battle to come and just what Leonidas and his three hundred men are sacrificing.  They are giving up their lives, the comfort of their beds, the companionship of their wives, and the privilege of watching their sons grow into the same kind of warriors as these fathers.  Heading out to face 10,000 Persians, their own chances for survival don’t even exist.

During the opening segment, we witness King Leonidas and Queen Gorgo as a power couple.  Clearly, she is his most trusted advisor.  She is a proud and wise woman with as much intelligence as beauty.  The chemistry between the two works on film, giving you a sense of their couple-ness in a short amount of time. 

When King Leonidas leaves, neither of them reveals their anguish.  They are strong for each other in their good-byes.  As the king walks away, Queen Gorgo calls to her husband, “Spartan!”

He stops and turns to look at her, “Yes my lady?”

She continues, “Come back with your shield, or on it.”

“Yes, my lady,” he answers, and then continues on with his men.  They will never see each other again.

As a woman, when the Queen calls out to Leonidas saying, “Come back with your shield, or on it,” I wince.   It seems cold, almost heartless.  How can she say such a thing when they both know he will come back on it?

But when she says it, she accomplishes at least two things.  She calls forth his greatness and his masculine desire to defend and protect.  Also, in spite of what it costs her, those words honor the decision he has made and those he will make in the days ahead – even though it will mean the loss of him as well as making her vulnerable to the lechery of a power hungry rival.

And so the relationship between the two of them and especially this particular scene teaches me that honoring my man’s greatness and his masculine desire to defend, protect, and provide for me and those he loves is good for both of us.  In my life, Joseph isn’t likely to find himself defending and protecting to the point of sacrificing his life.  But when he defends, protects, and provides for me, he expresses his masculinity in ways that feel good and right to him – it is an expression of love.  My appreciation and respect for his masculine expression gives him my love in return in a way that he can see, hear, and feel at the depths of his being.

Here in the 21st Century, the avenues available to men to defend, protect, and provide are not as readily respected as in an earlier era when that activity could mean the life or death of a family and community.  It is easy for wives and children to shrug off the ways husbands and fathers show their masculine pride.  It has become routine for women to expect their men to learn how to relate to them the way they and their girlfriends relate to each other.  But these habits hurt relationships.

On the other hand, women who genuinely respect their men and show it tend to have more fulfilling and satisfying marriages.  They call forth the greatness in their men and are loved, cherished, and respected in turn.  It’s a beautiful give and take that makes the differences between the sexes work for both.

Have you ever considered where your beliefs about relationships come from?  This is a question brought to my attention by entrepreneur and Canadian business woman Penny Phang of www.PennyPhang.com.  I was rivited by the question, realizing I had my own thoughts on the subject that I wanted to share here.   (This is Joseph writing, by the way.)

First, let me say that beliefs are not the same as truth – certainly not Truth with a capital “T.”  Beliefs come to us from a variety of sources.  Our parents pass down to us beliefs their parents taught them, who were taught by their parents, who were taught by their parents, and so forth.  Beliefs also develop from experience.  If no one ever told you to not touch a hot stove because you’d burn yourself if you did, it would only take touching a hot stove one time to create that belief in you!

Beliefs develop from what our teachers, preachers, parents, and peers tell us as well as from the experiences we have with those people.  If you have one parent who is especially loving and another that is punitive, you grow up with a different set of beliefs from your next door neighbor who had two especially loving parents (or two punitive parents).

If you were teacher’s pet most of your childhood, it only takes one teacher who made you his or her whipping boy (or girl) for you to come to believe that authority figures can’t be trusted.  Negative experiences like shame and guilt deeply shape our beliefs.

Beliefs affect the career you choose, the foods you eat, the number of children you have (or don’t have), the religion you keep, the person you marry, the friends you make, the amount of money and possessions you have in your life, how you raise your children and your pets, etc.  Beliefs affect everything.

And so, beliefs affect your primary relationship.  Do public displays of affection make you uncomfortable?  Does your spouse’s choice for no PDA make you feel insecure?  Can you tolerate your spouse flirting with someone else or does it make your skin crawl?  How often do you make love?  Do you make love with the lights on or off?  What time of day do you make love?  Do you remember birthdays and anniversaries?  Do you fight over food or health care or money or in-laws or children?

Behind the answers to every one of those questions and more are beliefs.  With many relationship beliefs, you and your partner having opposing beliefs is no big deal.  But with others, having opposing beliefs can make or break a relationship.  To use an extreme example, some desire an open marriage.  Neither Sarah Elizabeth or I desire such a relationship.  For both of us this concept harks back to “swingers” in the 1970’s and ’80’s.  It seems like an anachronistic idea, particularly once AIDS came on the scene.  However, it’s very much a part of some couples’ lives.  Fortunately, she and I are on the same page on this issue.  Moreover, our beliefs inform our stance.  If one of us wanted an open marriage, it would break the relationship.

On the other hand, I don’t care for public displays of affection.  If it were up to Sarah Elizabeth, our affection would be on display no matter where we were!  Both of our desires on this issue stem from beliefs but our impasse on it isn’t a make or break deal.  We both compromise.  I tolerate more PDA from her than I’m comfortable with and she’s learning to not take it personally when I control her efforts to love me up in public.

The next time something isn’t right in your relationship – when the chemistry doesn’t feel good – when you are afraid you want to call it quits, I suggest stopping and mulling over the possibility that you are both being driven by opposing beliefs.  If that’s the case, because beliefs are not the Truth, then you can realize that what’s going on doesn’t have to hurt your love.  Address the beliefs and see if compromises can be made or simply genuine understanding bring you back together.

For more information on how to create your relationship to be more of what you want it to be, check out our new e-workbook at www.CreateTheLoveYouWant.com.  In it we give you practical, user friendly tools that can help you transform your marriage (or any relationship in your life).

Within the first half hour of the Super Bowl, Joseph told me I could talk during the game but not during the commercials!  We want the Saints to win yet can’t resist the allure of sponsors who spent so many millions of dollars on advertising.  While Super Bowl advertising is usually aimed at men, this year’s commercials seem particularly geared for men who are whipped by the women in their lives.

In one commercial, a man stands helplessly by while his wife shops, a red bra draped across his chest, while the narrator calls him spineless.  I don’t even remember what followed or what they were selling. 

Another commercial selling a sports car began with isolated shots of various men’s heads; faces staring blankly at the screen while we listened to their “inner voices” narrate a litany of things  like, “I will listen to you when you want to talk and not speak when what I want to say isn’t what you want to hear.”  The caveat is the men in the commercial get to drive the car of their dreams because they sacrificed their masculine expression for the sake of their women’s emotional needs and egos.

What does this say about where we are as men and women in relationships in 2010?  If it means women rule, I don’t think it means they’re winning! 

In the last few decades, a lot of attention had been given to the differences between men and women.  A response to feminism, exploring the differences between the sexes encourages equality while celebrating the qualities of our minds and bodies that make men and women irresistible to one another.  The differences between the sexes are also the crux of the humor in sitcoms.  Whether it’s Jill and Tim on “Home Improvement,” Cheryl and Jim on “According to Jim,” or the gang on “How I Met Your Mother,” the differences between the sexes fuel television comedy.  And, of course, the differences have secured certain romantic movies in all our hearts – from the classic ”A Quiet Man” to this year’s “Leap Year.” 

What concerns me about this year’s Super Bowl commercials is the thin line between humor and disrespect that we may be walking here in 2010.  I’d hate to see us settle for women ruling but not winning.  Women don’t win when their men keep silent because what they want to say isn’t what the women want to hear.  Men who become compliant to their women’s wishes are not men those same women maintain a healthy interest in.  And the women who insist on their men becoming more like women and less like men become less appealing to the men they say they want to hold onto. 

Sexual tension speaks to us on the screen and in literature because it resonates with lived reality – our differences pull us toward each other as much as they push us apart.  It is in the dance of push and pull, attraction and repulsion, being similar yet opposites that creates the mystery and allure that brings us together to make love, to make babies, to carve out dreams and futures together, to live fully in the present in the privilege of each other’s company.

Men are fascinating.  And if they don’t speak because what they want to say isn’t what we want to hear, God help us!  Life becomes very small when we stop challenging one another with our intellect, our emotions, our intuition, our love.  Next year, I want to see Super Bowl commercials that celebrate men – that don’t sacrifice respect for the cheap laugh.