It was one of those mornings where suddenly, for no apparent reason, my mood shifted from pleasant to sour. Nothing I did, thought, or said could shift the dark mood. Because today is Sunday and we went to church this morning, it was especially burdensome to me that I couldn’t shake the dark clouds.
On the way to church, nothing Joseph said or did helped. In fact, every attempt he made to make me feel better made the clouds darken. To the point where I decided it must all be his fault! I knew better than to believe that but it sure did feel like it.
Finally, at lunch, some sunlight broke through, illuminating the thing that had turned me from a happy woman into a discontented one. The “thing” was a picture I conjured up in my head early this morning while online. Opening another author’s e-newsletter, I read news that piqued my envy. A very sad, depressing picture then filled my imagination, filling me with momentary sadness. I moved on to the next e-mail without giving it another thought.
I may not have given it another thought, but the negative picture had me by the throat, ruining my morning. Because of its effect on me, I projected my hurt feelings onto most everyone who interacted with me. I was hyper sensitive, observing how innocent remarks hurt my feelings. I have enough emotional maturity that I did not create hurting other people’s feelings or a blow up with Joseph. Until lunch time, when I put it all together, I was stuck in a rut of pity and sorrow with no way out!
When the negative picture floated back into view during our meal, I shared with Joseph how my emotional body must have interpreted it as a “hit.” It was as if I’d been on the receiving end of a terrible insult, but I’d done it to myself. It fascinated me how I didn’t see it happen but I lived with the consequences as I moved through the morning projecting all the yuck onto others. I’m grateful my experience was internalized and so no one else suffered from the self-sabotage I created.
I’m also grateful to have the ability to stand apart from myself and gain self-awareness in times like this. It’s a real blessing to be able to observe what’s going on in me without creating havoc and chaos in my relationships. It means I can learn and grow and either keep from hurting other people, or keep it at a minimum.
I’m thankful as well to be able to take my power back from that negative picture! I momentarily forgot that the old rules of the book publishing business no longer apply and the wide world of the Internet is still creating new possibilities and potential every single day.
Even though I didn’t feel a whole lot of love for me this morning; it was self-love that allowed me to limit the impact my bad mood had on others. It was self-love that allowed me to look at myself honestly and without the self-deprecation that would have clouded the issues (further delaying the illuminating moment of discovery). And it was self-love that allowed me to recover quickly, taking my power back, once I put the pieces together.
Next time I find myself feeling lousy and wanting to blame others just because I don’t know why I feel lousy, I’m going to consider that I may have created an energetic “hit” and get busy searching my memory to see if that’s what’s going on. Self-love doesn’t guarantee you won’t create self-sabotage. But self-awareness can rescue you when sabotage occurs. Far better to be happy and reaching for the stars than discontent and earth bound.