A wedding can bring out the “mama” in any bride. If she’s a daddy’s girl, it’s bound to happen! Keep reading for how to monitor yourself so that you don’t give him cold feet about marrying you!
A mysterious phenomenon happens once you become engaged and begin planning the wedding. Like never before in your relationship, you are now in the position of having expectations of your man that seem inconsequential to him but are of the utmost importance to you. As it turns out, the wedding is a rite of passage for more reasons than just the obvious – becoming husband and wife in a society where that gives you a certain status. Honestly, once you begin planning that wedding, you begin relating to each other in ways that will give you a big clue as to the nature of your upcoming marital happiness and contentment, or lack thereof.
For instance, if he is a procrastinator and you are not, the rhythm of your lives could really clash now. You need him to be punctual and to care about types of details he may have never given any consideration to before. If his style is that he’ll get to it when he gets to it and it always gets done whenever he gets to it and your style is punctual, thoughtful, and results oriented; these styles not only clash, they are a set up for hurt feelings, frustration, and condescension with you treating him like a little boy who is testing your patience and him treating you like a mother figure he deeply resents.
The reverse is also a conundrum. If you are the procrastinator and he is efficient and results oriented, the mama’s boy/daddy’s girl dynamics can then look like you reacting to him as if he is the father figure keeping after you to stay on top of things with you feeling like a little girl having your power tested.
And, of course, there are the endless details that require your coordinated efforts: the invitations, guest list, seating arrangements, thank you notes, flowers, candles, vows, food and drinks served, design for the napkins, bridesmaids dresses and gifts for them, groomsmen’s tuxes and gifts for them, where to place the tables that will receive gifts, keeping various family members happy, etc. Every decision can become an opportunity for the mama’s boy in him and the daddy’s girl in you to fall into a power struggle with your frustration, no matter how understandable, making him feel diminished in his woman’s eyes.
Whenever he doesn’t do, say, or be what you want him to do, say or be will be opportunities for looks and words exchanged between you that communicate diminishment of him and resentment towards you. However, just as this period is a test run for the negative patterns you could fall into in your marriage; it is also a rich opportunity to practice mastery of the mama’s boy/daddy’s girl energies that can sabotage your love and happiness.
Here are some practical tips for taking advantage of this opportunity:
Whenever you feel yourself about to or actually rolling your eyes, murmuring your displeasure, scolding him, losing patience with him, seething in resentment towards him or any of his loved ones, or any number of other negative feedback and feelings, catch yourself and stop. Tell him you don’t want to act this way and that you need to catch your breath. Then take some time to become fully present in the moment.
One of the reasons to have such negative reactions towards him is that your attention is off in the future anticipating problems that will arise if the present conflict isn’t resolved the way you want it resolved. So, as you bring yourself fully into the present moment, you’ll breath more deeply, your heart will stop racing, and your blood pressure will lower. Now you have the opportunity to make this moment about communicating clearly, with love and using “I” statements rather than about avoiding an imagined catastrophe.
Use this learning period to grow as a couple. If one of you is dragging his or her feet to the altar, so to speak, talk about it. It can be done in ways that are relatively unthreatening!
For instance, “Wow, honey, I never realized that great big decisions make me feel very insecure. The way I feel about getting married reminds me of how I felt preparing to go to nursing school: really, really frightened! But I faced those fears and got the degree and career I love so I’m trusting that this will be the same!” That statement is all about taking ownership and responsibility for your feelings rather than dumping on your partner to get him to make it better. It makes all the difference when it comes to spouses communicating well!
Limit the number of people you complain to about the tension between you and your husband-to-be. Ideally, have one good, trusted friend with whom you can share because you know that she knows whatever “state” you are in during any given moment, the real you wants what is best for your beloved and so she can deal with any rants you may need to make without judging either of you, thereby avoiding doing irreparable damage to any of those relationships (you with your fiancé, you with your friend, your friend’s friendship with your fiancé).
Don’t hesitate to buy a relationship or marriage self-help book that seems to speak your language. The almost married state that comes with being engaged and planning a wedding is a good time to learn to take whatever’s going on between you as a couple seriously. Many such books have nuggets of advice you’ll use for a lifetime. Rather than judge you for needing help so soon, consider yourself wise and blessed for being so forward thinking.
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