Well!  We were primed to keep an eye on the new reality show “Momma’s Boys” because, after all, we wrote the definitive book on adult mama’s boys and their romantic relationships with adult daddy’s girls!  The show is basically “The Bachelor” meets the mommas from hell!  It is so over the top!  Ten minutes in, we didn’t think we’d last the length of the first show, much less the whole season.

However, the first episode gave us food for thought where mama’s boys are concerned.  Rather than rant about the show, we want to talk about a very real issue for all mama’s boys: from the exaggerated, stereotypical minority that is being exploited on the reality series to the average mama’s boys-next-door who are capable of stable relationships and just need some help understanding themselves and their women (likely daddy’s girls) so that their relationships can be full of love and happiness!

Also, we might have to rant on the show periodically.  Some parts of it beg for the attention of a reasonable mind!

For today’s blog entry, the issue raised is how mama’s boys are in the position from childhood, even perhaps infancy, to take the place of the man in their mothers’ lives.  It is an invitation they accept for two reasons.  The first is loyalty.  Out of love they will do their best to be loyal to both their mothers and their fathers, trying to fill their fathers’ shoes.  The second reason is that the invitation for a son to take his father’s place is seductive.  It makes him feel bigger than he is.

However, he cannot take his father’s place with his mother.  It is impossible.  Further, no matter how old he gets, he will never be able to take his father’s place!  It’s a painful position to be in.  A mama’s boy has a greater sense of inadequacy than a father’s son.  A mama’s boy will have his shame triggered by his woman more frequently and over smaller issues than a father’s son.  It makes life for a mama’s boy complex and painful.

Now, for a little bit of a “rant” about this reality series, “Momma’s Boys,” that should drive our point home.  The three bachelors were videotaped with their mothers prior to arriving at the mansion where the 32 women vying for the men’s affection awaited the men and their mothers.  One of the men in particular appeared especially uncomfortable standing there with his mother beside him as she went on and on about how he’s a mama’s boy and how much she loves him.  That was until he stripped off his shirt and she praised his beautiful body.  At that point he beamed!  It was disconcerting.  You could see the tension between hating being her little boy, even though he is a grown adult, and loving her public admiration of his sculpted body! 

No matter what either of them tells themselves about the value of maternal love, he cannot be her man.  He cannot fill his father’s shoes.  It isn’t possible.  And it borders on emotional incest when the dysfunction is this intense!

In another scene, this same mom was fussing with her son because he wished she wouldn’t make his bed for him.  She defended her action by saying it caused her discomfort to think of him sleeping in a disheveled bed.  Truth be told, the state of his bed is absolutely none of her business.  Whether or not it makes her uncomfortable is none of his business.  She hasn’t the right to make her discomfort over his disheveled bed his business!

The three mothers on this show have men in their lives (their sons) whom they are free to disrespect, patronize, and humiliate without apology.  It begs the question, “What kind of women are they with their husbands?”  Are they capable of being adult, sexually functioning women with their husbands?  For what are they overcompensating with their sons?

The level of dysfunction on display in the reality series is frightening.  These men have tried to fill their fathers’ shoes with their mothers for so long that releasing their mothers appears nearly impossible.  Until they do, none of the three will be able to create a real, adult, loving, compassionate, stable relationship with a woman. 

They each may leave the show with a woman on their arms.  But they will not be able to create a stable love relationship until they can bear the betrayal of releasing their mothers’ hold on them.

Their plight isn’t funny.  It isn’t a soap opera.  It’s real, deeply imbedded, and painful.

The title of this blog comes from the theme song of “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”  Happiness and cheer often isn’t what folks experience this time of year.

At our church we follow the liturgical calendar which means Christmas isn’t celebrated until Christmas Eve and Day.  In the weeks prior to that we observe Advent, a season of repentence.  We also offer a Grief at Christmas service because this season complicates grief for those who, for any reason, suffer from it.

Between Advent and the Grief at Christmas service, we give ourselves the chance to be real about what’s going on in our lives at a time when we’re “supposed to be” cheerful, joyful, happy, and spending lots of money on other people!

Today, our adult Bible study class got to reminiscing about Christmases past — those that were especially magical, meaningful, or even especially sad.  The common theme of all the stories were money was tight but relationships made the difference.  Whether the relationship was with a friend chopping down a tree for Christmas on private land, with a spouse making popcorn garland for a tree that wouldn’t have any lights, to preparing groceries to share with the poor, to building a fort with hundreds of trees taken out of the neighbors’ garbage post-Christmas, to the perfect “Charlie Brown Christmas Tree;” the best, most memorable Christmases had nothing to do with gifts under the tree and everything to do with relationships where humor, compassion, patience, and connection ruled!

Go tell it on the mountain!  The Christ child will be born in our hearts again this year and love can still be the greatest gift of all.

A common recommendation these days for online entrepreneurs is to join MySpace, Facebook, and other social sites in order to get your lastest products and information out there among a public that cares about you and your products.  There are guidelines to help you keep it real so that you don’t chase off all your friends (both friends you have face-to-face time with as well as those you only know through the internet) by only trying to sell them things.

We originally signed up at MySpace because it was the best way to keep in touch with younger family members.  By making use of the blog there, I attracted a variety of Law of Attraction people who are also online entrepreneurs.  Those connections have been fun. 

At Facebook, we’re among an older generation who prefer it to MySpace.  There, both Joseph and I have reconnected with friends from college and high school.  I don’t know if it’s the softer feel of the graphics at Facebook or the way they keep you up-to-date with what’s going on at your friends’ pages, but it’s more satisfying to connect with friends there.  When we create a new site or something special going on with our books or business, I announce it there.  But neither MySpace nor Facebook have turned out to be lucrative.  In fact, certain of my online acquaintances who only contact me at either site when they’re trying to sell me something is something I find annoying!

Rather than help us sell products, these social sites have given us a sense of an online community that is entertaining, emotionally supportive, sometimes challenging, periodically filled with drama, and often bordering on voyeuristic!  When you update your status (the information that describes how or what you are doing), all your friends at the site see it!  If anyone comments on your status, all your friends see it.  They don’t have to travel to your page to see it — it shows up at their page!  As soon as they log in, your recent status change and anyone’s comment about it is there for them to see.  That got complicated with the recent Presidential election!

The voyeuristic nature of these sites isn’t just about how good it feels to see what’s going on with all your friends, it’s the weird feeling as I choose what to put out there for them to see.  I have friends who use their status to be smart elecks with each other.  That’s fun but I feel like I’m listening in on their private conversation. 

Recently at Facebook, I tried to add a new book to my library shelf there.  There was a problem with the application and instead of just putting it on my library shelf, it put it on my wall for everyone to see - which is a broader, louder broadcast than simply being the new book on my shelf!  It mattered to me because the book and my review of it revealed that I read and follow the teachings of certain Indian gurus.  When it became a part of my wall instead of just my library shelf, I felt like I was putting it out there in my friends’ faces.  As if to say, “Look at me!  I’m different!  I’m special!” 

I decided to leave it alone because all my friends, especially my Christian friends, know I’m New Age and it really is no big deal!  It just brought to my attention that I want to examine why I post what I post about myself at these sites.  In a very real sense, it is as if these online communities are places we connect by sharing our private journals with each other. 

I love being able to connect with and keep up with friends I would have lost touch with for a lifetime prior to the internet.  It’s fun making new friends there.  But all that posting of thoughts, feelings, ideas, plans, what we read, what movies we see, what music we listen to, etc. needs to be accompanied by a sense of responsibility to self.  At least, that is what is true for me.

I’ve got “Oprah” on in the background where she’s interviewing a variety of ”Biggest Loser” winners.  These folks are obviously brave individuals for a number of reasons.  But what’s captured my attention today is how when they go to the camp to lose the weight they are cut off from family and friends with no TV, radio, or internet.  They work out 8 hours a day and subsist on an amount of food that wouldn’t even cut it as snacks in their pre-biggest loser camp lives!

That’s some serious deprivation and what it does is it forces them to be alone with themselves like they’ve never been alone before!  It is apparent from what you witness on the show that it is an excruciating experience for them.  Why wouldn’t it be?  Our culture encourages us to hide from ourselves and makes it easy to do.  Look at me!  I’m writing this blog while Oprah keeps me company!

While I wouldn’t call a self-love practice ”excruciating,” one of its challenges is how it gets you to be alone with yourself.  Spending time with you in such a way that you face the things you don’t like about yourself, even hate about yourself, whether someone else first told you those things or you invented them yourself, it’s tough.

But it’s worth it.  You are worth it!  We are all worth it…worth getting to know, getting to spend time with, getting to face our demons, getting to welcome our angels, and finding we, ourselves, can give us the support, nurture, and love we need.

This morning on the Bonnie Hunt show, Olivia Newton-John talked about surviving cancer.  She had a thoughtful piece of advice.  She suggested that, if you have breast cancer, you ask someone close to you to run interference with friends who want to know how you are doing, so that you can conserve your strength and energy for your healing process.

She further suggested that breast cancer patients take time every day to do something loving for themselves.  Breast cancer affects women the most and women tend to be so giving.  When they are struggling with breast cancer, they really need to take time out to care for themselves.

Olivia’s advice invites the question: why wait until you have breast cancer?  It is even possible that it’s all the giving women do that leads to breast cancer!  That would make an interesting study.  And if it included men who get breast cancer, the study could be even more intriguing.  Those men may be some of the heroes who extend themselves like crazy for their families and in their communities.

We are not taught to love ourselves!  We desparately need to.  If everyone would commit to 45-minutes of self-nurturing every day, the amount of disease and war on this planet would begin to deteriorate!

Like many people, I am all too easily embroiled in “should” discussions such as “Husbands should always do this to keep their wives happy…” or, “If they want their husbands to be happy, wives should do that…”  It’s just human nature to look to the other person as the source of the problem and, therefore, the solution!  As a relationship coach, however, I focus on what is.

As a mama’s boy, I am not trying to fix myself or to become something I’m not.  I have simply learned that if I’m self aware, I have new and often more effective choices.  When I work with clients, I don’t want to effect personality changes so much as I want for them to learn to be self aware so they have new and more effective choices.

Self-awareness begins with stopping the “should” conversations and, instead, taking an honest look at what is.  A “should” conversation always breaks down because it leaves no room for choice.  After acknowledging what is - what is the truth of the situation and the people involved - then a person is free to create a whole list of choices to determine what’s next.