I was honored recently to hear from a customer who read Getting Back to Love as well as watched the videos “Creating your Ideal Relationship” and “Mama’s Boys & Daddy’s Girls: the Dance.” He watched the videos and read the book as soon as he had access to them, immediately applied the advice therein, and gained value from them straight away! He has given me permission to share some of our email dialogue for the benefit of others.
For the sake of clarity, this is Sarah Elizabeth writing. I mention it because if you think it’s Joseph’s voice, you’ll get startled at a couple of my references below!
He wrote, “I really enjoyed the technique Joseph presented in the ‘Creating your Ideal Relationship’ video which involved asking, ‘What is the thought behind that?’ I used it in journaling this morning, and discovered some things about my father that I hadn’t known previously. I got to a point where I got angry with his inadequacies, and ran out of steam there. I plan to go back later today and ask myself, ‘What is the thought behind that?’ In fact, as I am writing this, I think I thought of my answer!
One of the things that would be helpful is to more completely flesh out the idea of a father’s or mother’s ‘sphere of influence.’ And the concept of men’s ‘potency.’ The men in my family, as a rule, do not seem to have that potency. I would be interested in what potency looks like.
Those of us whose parents did not step up to the plate have no idea what we should have been getting from our same-sex parent. In my case, I plan to join a men’s group, either the Masons or find a church where the men are taking a strong leadership role, and join them. And it would be helpful to know what it is I’m looking for from the association.”
Following is part of my response:
Even though it may not seem like it, the exercise at the end of the book, where in your imagination you ‘take’ your father as the perfect father for you and experience the lineage of men you come from (without judgment around all those strong women they married!) does a subtle piece of work inside that can gently inform you as to how to get in touch with your own potency.
Your idea for joining the Masons or a church with strong male leadership is great! In a very real sense, the magic of male potency that is passed from father to son when the son is invited into the father’s sphere of influence in his early teens is something that comes naturally with their male bonding. In other words, it isn’t as if father’s sons know or have an agenda for what they want to pass on to their own sons. It just happens from spending time together doing the things men do that cause them to bond to one another.
Again, in a very real sense, all the men of the world are united by a brotherhood that you guys can tap into at any time by spending time together, doing what men do, and bonding as a result. So your instinct with the Masons/church is so right on! We would suggest that you simply follow through with that desire, let the friendships and bonding occur, and watch what happens inside you.
Essentially, male potency is the ability to know what you want and then take action. Mama’s boys have a lot of stuff around taking action. Some take action in a bullying way. Others need permission. Some, never figure out what they need in order to take decisive action. So, by simply following through with your idea, you will have acted from your masculine potency. And every time you do that, you gain more experience and your bond with your inner masculine self.
For more clarity: the father’s sphere of influence is the world of men…the invitation for a boy child to mimic his masculine behavior…enjoying rites of passage like going camping, hunting, sports. A man can be not inclined to those things but, for instance, sing in the church choir, be a deacon, etc. And so he invites his son into his world by encouraging his son to take leadership positions at church. Where, for instance, a teenage boy and his father can both sing in the adult choir. When a mama’s boy is a dad, he tends to be confused about his role in his children’s lives and misses out on opportunities to invite his son into his masculine world.
The good news of Getting Back to Love is that as a mama’s boy, you can create the invitation to the masculine sphere of influence inside yourself, do something about it (as with the plans you’ve made), and thereby have more choices for how to relate to the opposite sex. At the same time, everything about you that is positive from being a mama’s boy (and there are positives), you get to keep those. In addition, if you have children, you have even more to pass on to them.
Dear reader, if you are new to our world of mama’s boys and daddy’s girls where we go beyond the stereotypes to address complex relationship issues, the “good” of being either a mama’s boy or a daddy’s girl is summed up like this: women out in the world getting things done and men nurturing the women and children in their lives isn’t a bad thing. Those are awesome traits to enjoy and pass on to the next generation.
If you’d like more information or might even like to buy the book, please visit GettingBacktoLove.com.